Crisis management, Sartre and resilience

I told you, it is all about choice. Roellinger's spices. They are gold.

On Friday night, a glass of wine helping, I basically lost my shit. A kind of weird break down, with tears and a massive stomach pain. N. Told me off like it never happened before and he was right: I put too much pressure on me and my life revolves around WORK (#bad).

Let’s be clear: I don’t blame my job. You know how it works. You give your best, you spend more and more hours in the office,  you don’t say anything except « yes of course, I can do it » even if you can’t. And here you are, prisonnier of your own trap. And while everyone expects you to behave that way forever, you are reaching your limits and it is getting harder and harder to keep climbing this huge mountain of challenges (or shit - your call).

Then the only thing to do is to speak up and set boundaries (trying to say no from time to time for exemple).But what if no one is listening? What if you feel like no one gives a shit?You basically can’t wait for people’s help. You are your only and best ally.

I actually blame myself. I am ashamed to put my health and sanity in danger. I am so angry at myself, for being so silly. My life isn’t balanced because I made the choice, everyday for few months now, to devote my time and energy to that bloody job.

The worst part is that I am stuck in that loop for weeks now. I figured out what is wrong and I've got a plan to improve things but yet, still unable to kick my butt and move forward. But I don’t blame myself anymore. Instead, I started thinking about the crisis management.This is a long-time process. And yes, I truly believe this is a process, a transition, a way to learn deeply about ourselves, to finally overcome issues and live a stabilised life. And grow and flourish.

Few steps before the final show:

• It feels like too much but you keep going on
• You think about how you can improve things - because it is generally obvious and doesn't take a genius
• You get lost and ain't able to think straight
• You hit rock bottom, feel like crap, cry, scream, shit your pants
• You see the light and it looks like possible to change. It is actually a necessity
• But first, you have to accept those feelings and embrace your dark sides (A.K.A. chill in your bed, with melt chocolate everywhere on your sheets)
• (Not sure but let's try) You finally manage to take control and to do whatever it takes to change. It is hard but you keep in mind that life is just how to handle choices, hours after hours
• You reach that magnificent light even if you struggle from time to time
• You're a fucking badass.

You probably can't change overnight. But you can suddenly decide to change for the better and start loving yourself deeply. It is just a story of small choices.

Go for a salad full of nutriments instead of a sugary and salty crap. Read an inspirational essay instead of scrolling down the Instagram feed, looking for nothing. Leave the office early because you need to spend some quality time with your cat, doing nothing. So many little and insignificant choices that actually make a big deal.

We have the power to change things.

I will try not to complain anymore about my job, because I am ridiculous and it is not helping. I will try to change my perception, to think through an alternate way. I will do my best to stop giving too much fuck.

As Sartre used to say, humans are condemned to be free, fully responsible for their actions and without excuse. And this means a lot.

Every new dawn is a chance to get better and to make good choices in a resilient way.